Blest Be the Tie That Binds

Nostalgia: my week in a word. My last undergrad class, my last final, my last choir rehearsal, my last Improv performance, my last concert in the Howard Performing Arts Center, and last time seeing who knows how many of my friends and acquaintances.

As the school year draws to a close, I find that I've got lots of connections to lots of people. I'm pretty comfy in this web of connections, a cocoon of sorts; like a hammock just snug enough to feel secure, but not so rigid as to make me uncomfortable. The tricky thing about connections: it's scary to stretch them, and ties between two continents are by necessity very stretched.

Those generic office rubber bands are super fun to use – until one snaps. It's much safer to leave them be. But safer doesn't describe what I'm called to do.

I'm thankful for my one-of-a-kind, limited edition, irreplaceable titanium-steel-tungsten alloy JesusBand that's already anchored in Kenya.


P.S. In my hunt for a rubberband photo to spruce up this blog, I stumbled upon this rubberband masterpiece. Bahaha. What ingenuity is spent upon...

Journal Entry

I live life on a curve. I do just enough homework to stay with the pack, finish just enough hours to keep the boss happy, join just enough religious activities and groups to satisfy my self-righteousness and feel comfortable.

I need to ditch the curve.

Live like you've lived your whole life on a deserted island; only you are the standard. Don't submit to the status quo; rise above, do more than what is expected, offer more than asked. God will sustain. God will give wisdom to know where the line to friendly decline lies.

Journal Entry

To: God.
From: Jess.

You know what? I love You. I want to do what You want me to do. Give me the will to do so. Equip me.

A REAL Update

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday. One week ago, it was Thursday. Two weeks ago, it was Thursday. Four weeks ago, it was Thursday. And four weeks ago, on Thursday, I found out that I wasn't going where I planned as an SM. Again.

Rain, rain, rain. Today is Thursday. Today it rained. Four weeks ago, it was Thursday. Four weeks ago, it rained. And four weeks ago, more than just rain tracked down my cheeks.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Thoughts of frustration. Thoughts of disappointment. Thoughts of confusion. Thoughts of hope.

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday. Today is Thursday. Today I learned that I'm going to be tutoring/teaching science at Maxwell Adventist Academy; Nairobi, Kenya.


I'm not quite sure what to do, how to feel, what to think. But I paused to simply thank God; thank Him for guidance, for patience (though perhaps not expressed to a saintly degree), for a plan, and especially for an answer. That joy way down in my heart started gushing and overflowing, beaming from my face, even leaking from my eyes. A feeling washed over me: a feeling of letting go, of calm, a loss of apprehension; a feeling that passes understanding.

I'm speechless. After 15 months of wishing and hoping and praying and waiting, I expected to have more to say. For a roller coaster full of twists and turns, dips and loops, this is the first predictable turn. I feel as though I should be struggling to hold back all the words and stories and hallelujahs – but perhaps silence is a more profound expression.

The application was approved by the receiving division of your first call interest and is waiting for the General Conference vote.

Boy is that a sight for joy-filled eyes.



I've been through the other steps of the student missionary process a few times before. Now it's back to new territory.

Bring it on.

Journal Entry

WOW.
All this waiting, all this praying, all this angst, all this learning, all this worrying, all this mess... and now it's Kenya.

I can't believe how speechless I am, how thought-less. My mind is blank, but in a very peaceful way. SM destination questions have become a part of my life. I've become afraid to envision myself somewhere for fear of losing it. But now... it finally works out. I guess I'm uust not realizing that I'm going, that I'll be gone for a year, that I won't be in school (well, taking classes...).

Boy, did I run from teaching. And now I'm excited about it.

I feel emotionless. Well, no; I feel at ease. Pleasantly happy. I don't know. It's inexpressible. It passes understanding.

Worthy of Consideration

After the Norway hiccup, I had to re-prioritize my call choices. So I prayerfully did.

Today I received an email notifying me that my volunteer application has been re-submitted: Jessica Mae Stotz, your application has been sent to the East-Central Africa Division for consideration for filling the following call: Science Tutor/Teacher, Maxwell Adventist Academy (Kenya). WHOA. A board of wise, God-fearing leaders will read (well, at least skim) my résumé, look at my picture, and "consider" me. Will she work hard? Will she be willing? Will she show love? Will she live up to her name as a Christian, an Adventist, a Wisconian, an Andrews student, a 21-year-old, a Stotz? Will she facilitate the change that this world needs, the change that this call provides the opportunity to make?

It's a good thing they're not asking these questions of me in person. I'd probably feel the need to answer honestly; I'm not so sure I could answer "yes" to each pregunta. I'm sure there will be many days that I don't feel like working hard. I'm positive that there are a few tasks that I won't feel willing to complete. I know that I may not appear loving at times. I realize that I'm human and that I'll let my name and expectations down. I absolutely know that I cannot change anything, especially the world.

So why consider me?

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)

Yep. Everything.          [Cue first 45 sec of "I've Got the Power" by Snap]


So why am I still apprehensive?

Journal Entry

Is God calling me to do something that I'm uncomfortable with? Or am I simply entertaining the idea of Holland because I know it will work??? MAA excites me; Holland scares me. Terrifies me. Petrifies me. Am I a Jonah running from the islands?

This world is not my home!! But can't I still be happy here? I attribute happiness and bubbliness and energy to my character; when it's gone, I feel like I'm gone, like I'm a liar. I hate lying almost as much as I hate not-knowing.

Pre-Update #5

To All, (I figure this greeting is all-encompassing)

Here's a riddle: How could a long day of rain and dreariness and darkness still end with a campus covered with happy, giggly (yes, college students giggle) people?

Answer: Spring Break begins today. Oh happy day.

The end.

Not really. Here's the part of the children's story where I share the moral and it's easy to drift off into I-wonder-what-color-socks-she's-wearing? land. You are by far the most pre-updated group of people in life; so many emails about nothing in particular happening...thankfully you now have the "unsubscribe" option.

The update: It's been 5 weeks and 2 days since I received General Conference approval of my Adventist Volunteers application, with call interests prioritized (#1 dean in Norway, #2 1st/2nd grade teacher in Micronesia, #3 H.S. science teacher in Micronesia). "Please allow at
least 2 weeks for processing." In Jessica's quantitative and literal mind, 2 weeks and 1 day is at least two weeks. 3 weeks is DEFINITELY at least two weeks. Get to 5? Oofta. Doubt begins to enter Jess' mind: Are these choices correct? Is Norway for me? I think I'm holding this life map upside-down . . .

So I talked with a friend/former SM/wise adviser who has a myriad of helpful connections, and she shared all sorts of her own experiences that sounded freakishly like my own. AND she has a friend who had been an SM at the same school my application listed. Yes! First-hand stories at my fingertips.

That was Wednesday. It's Thursday. Wednesday was warm and sunny. Thursday's kinda rainy and gross.

Norway (not the whole country, just the missions coordinators or whomever they are over there . . . I dub them "Norway") has filled all of their position postings with staff. Yep. No need for student missionaries this time! So I'm back to looking for a place to need me. I know that there are lots of them (choices! Agh!); I've simply bumped up my #2 & #3 to #1 & #2. Now it's just a matter of waiting. Which I should be getting pretty good at. Waiting to know where this road's taking me; waiting to see the future.

God made the world round so we would never be able to see too far down the road. (Isak Dinesen)

The future is the one thing that I can truly say that I fear. It doesn't simply scare me, but downright freaks me out; I've had anxiety and cold sweats upon the thought of the future on more than one occasion. Planning and plotting and knowing what my course in the days to come has been my way of protecting myself from the future, to somehow trick it into becoming the present. I often see how things will play out in my head, like a movie. I look down from my unbelievably high bunk and envision what would happen if I did happen
to take a tumble, down to the detail of what type of crutches I'd get. I run through scenarios, replaying them with different responses and reactions until I get it just right, like flipping through a Choose Your Own Story book. The future is like the hairy, smelly beast that
lurks in the closet – you're fine with it once your parents tell you it's gone, but there comes a time when you have to open the door yourself, and it's scary. Especially when you know said beast has a shaggy mane and halitosis.

So I'm keeping that door open. The beast and I are coming to terms; it's agreed to comb and floss, and I've agreed to treat it like it's there, to stop ignoring it.

Riddle: How can a hairy, smelly beast help you grow?
Answer: I'm working on a case study. Allow at least two weeks for processing.

SM Application Update!

Hello my people! (can I call you my people? Done.)

I thank you all SO much for your prayers and thoughts last week as I was wrestling with decisions! I feel the responsibility to give you all an quick update in exchange for your help. Thanks for your encouraging responses to my last email! I took a lot of your advice, evaluating each call based on pros and cons, choosing a challenge, and, of course, praying a lot.

Really, I don't know anything. I won't know anything for a while. No worries though, because that's how it works. 

I submitted my application with my top dozen choices (prioritized, of course: #1 high school dean in Norway; #2 first/second grade teacher in Kosrae, Micronesia; #3 high school science teacher in Majuro, Marshall Islands). On Monday, I received word that my application was approved!!! ...by the North American Division. Next it will go to the General Conference to be voted upon, then to another division, then to some committee, then to another committee...really, I don't get it. I just know there's lots of voting and I get to wait for a month or so. But it's all out of my hands now (was it ever really in my hands? :D ); relief.

Anywho, that's the latest. 

From the ebullient (thank you GRE prep vocab) Jess. :D

Journal Entry

My call was approved by the NAD on Monday. Got email notification today that it's going to the Trans-European Division...

I am just overwhelmed again. Agh! I'm not ever sure why! It frustrates me...but I'm reminded that I'm not the strong one.

I want to feel called to my destination. Right now, I'm unsure, but am afraid to change it because it might actually work this time. And what would I change it to?? Nothing else.

I felt sure of Tanzania; so sure! But that didn't work. I know that I will end up where I'm needed and where God wants me and where I need to be -- but I feel the need to have a clear sign so that when I get there, I won't be unsure.

Will life ever be worked out and clear? I really think this has been one of the most painful years of my life.

How can even consider myself worthy to be Christ's ambassador?
I can't:
- speak
- share Biblical truths openly
- show sympathy
I can:
- share love as Jesus shared love

Maybe that's why I'm apprehensive. Do I fit the missionary mold? I don't know. Is it "good enough" to simply work hard and love and show care? I don't know if I can give Bible studies or evangelize or hold meetings.
"All things work together for good..." not necessarily what I think is good.

I'll go where yOu want me to go, dear Lord; I'll be what You want me to be. I'll say what You want me to say.

I'm exhausted. I give up. Everything. It's Yours.

It frightens me that I'm not more concerned about someone not knowing Jesus. Doesn't everyone know?

Decisions, Decisions...

Hello hello!

After a long hiatus from mass emailing, you have received yet another digitized warm fuzzy. I just figured I'd offer a quick update on student missions.

• My missions call fell through last year (in August)
• I came back to Andrews as a junior pre-PT major
• I finished one semester (and I liked it)
• I re-completed my Adventist Volunteers application
• I finished all of my paperwork (which is a major hurdle in and of itself)

Here's what I haven't done: chosen a call. With the completion of my stack of forms and signatures, it's time to submit my application – with preferred call location attached. A tentative deadline for this choice has been set for Wednesday; that's tomorrow. After three call choices fell through last year, I've played it safe and chosen nearly a dozen calls, but now have to prioritize them.

I am unabashedly soliciting your thoughts and prayers as I try to make a decision that I feel unworthy to make. Thanks. :)

Journal Entry

 I think I'm finally figuring out why I'm not completely content. Today I heard about Kirsten wolcott, a student missionary in Yap and Katherine's roommate, was murdered yesterday. Murdered. Not even an accident. A 20-year-old. A junior. Not even at home, but across the oceans from her family. It just hit me really hard all of a sudden. Oofta. How could I be content in such a corrupt, diseased place? My heart yearns for what it was created to yearn for. I can't believe how comfortable I've been here. How have I not desired Jesus' return more deeply?? I awnt to want others to come too. Put the burden on my heart for others, and help me make it manifest in my day.

Journal Entry

An acquaintance told me today that she feels happier when she sees me. :) It made me think about the legacy I want to leave. I want people to remember me as a happy, vibrant individual madly in love with Jesus. Now I pary I can fall in and show taht crazy love undeniably clearly... or something.

Journal Entry

I've become a Pharisee through the past few years. I do "everything" "right". Adventist college, active in ministry, getting good grades, planning my life out like a good goal-setter, committing (well, attempting to commit) a year of my life to mission... I'm following all the laws, but not the LAW. Over and over I ask God to tell me what to change in my life, and over and over again He tells me to humble myself and be a servant. Service was at the heart of Jesus' ministry; He served others more often than He preached sermons. The more I put others before myself, the more I feel like I've actually taken care of myself, and I have.
Less of me >> more to me.
I feel closer to God each time I serve others. This improves my relationship with Him. And if my relationship with Christ doesn't affect others, there is something seriously wrong.

God, remind me of Your priorities in my life. Help me put others first in all I do and become more like You.

Journal Entry

TRUE service vs. self-righteous service.
Self-righteous service loves to be recognized, applauded. It takes on the big projects, but neglects the little, important ones. I fear I have drifted selfward in the last couple years. Is my desire to become an SM just something that my self-righteous self saw as a self-glorifying opportunity? Lord, I hope not. I want this to be about God, but I'm not sure I've sacrificed my desires, my control of life (temptation). I need to give up the stool... God's one-cheekin' it, if on it at all.

Lord, empty me of self. Put someone in my path today that I can serve, and give me the will/desire/humility to serve as You have and do serve.