Wednesday, February 03, 2010

SM Application Update!

Hello my people! (can I call you my people? Done.)

I thank you all SO much for your prayers and thoughts last week as I was wrestling with decisions! I feel the responsibility to give you all an quick update in exchange for your help. Thanks for your encouraging responses to my last email! I took a lot of your advice, evaluating each call based on pros and cons, choosing a challenge, and, of course, praying a lot.

Really, I don't know anything. I won't know anything for a while. No worries though, because that's how it works. 

I submitted my application with my top dozen choices (prioritized, of course: #1 high school dean in Norway; #2 first/second grade teacher in Kosrae, Micronesia; #3 high school science teacher in Majuro, Marshall Islands). On Monday, I received word that my application was approved!!! the North American Division. Next it will go to the General Conference to be voted upon, then to another division, then to some committee, then to another committee...really, I don't get it. I just know there's lots of voting and I get to wait for a month or so. But it's all out of my hands now (was it ever really in my hands? :D ); relief.

Anywho, that's the latest. 

From the ebullient (thank you GRE prep vocab) Jess. :D

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Journal Entry

My call was approved by the NAD on Monday. Got email notification today that it's going to the Trans-European Division...

I am just overwhelmed again. Agh! I'm not ever sure why! It frustrates me...but I'm reminded that I'm not the strong one.

I want to feel called to my destination. Right now, I'm unsure, but am afraid to change it because it might actually work this time. And what would I change it to?? Nothing else.

I felt sure of Tanzania; so sure! But that didn't work. I know that I will end up where I'm needed and where God wants me and where I need to be -- but I feel the need to have a clear sign so that when I get there, I won't be unsure.

Will life ever be worked out and clear? I really think this has been one of the most painful years of my life.

How can even consider myself worthy to be Christ's ambassador?
I can't:
- speak
- share Biblical truths openly
- show sympathy
I can:
- share love as Jesus shared love

Maybe that's why I'm apprehensive. Do I fit the missionary mold? I don't know. Is it "good enough" to simply work hard and love and show care? I don't know if I can give Bible studies or evangelize or hold meetings.
"All things work together for good..." not necessarily what I think is good.

I'll go where yOu want me to go, dear Lord; I'll be what You want me to be. I'll say what You want me to say.

I'm exhausted. I give up. Everything. It's Yours.

It frightens me that I'm not more concerned about someone not knowing Jesus. Doesn't everyone know?