Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Journal Entry

My call was approved by the NAD on Monday. Got email notification today that it's going to the Trans-European Division...

I am just overwhelmed again. Agh! I'm not ever sure why! It frustrates me...but I'm reminded that I'm not the strong one.

I want to feel called to my destination. Right now, I'm unsure, but am afraid to change it because it might actually work this time. And what would I change it to?? Nothing else.

I felt sure of Tanzania; so sure! But that didn't work. I know that I will end up where I'm needed and where God wants me and where I need to be -- but I feel the need to have a clear sign so that when I get there, I won't be unsure.

Will life ever be worked out and clear? I really think this has been one of the most painful years of my life.

How can even consider myself worthy to be Christ's ambassador?
I can't:
- speak
- share Biblical truths openly
- show sympathy
I can:
- share love as Jesus shared love

Maybe that's why I'm apprehensive. Do I fit the missionary mold? I don't know. Is it "good enough" to simply work hard and love and show care? I don't know if I can give Bible studies or evangelize or hold meetings.
"All things work together for good..." not necessarily what I think is good.

I'll go where yOu want me to go, dear Lord; I'll be what You want me to be. I'll say what You want me to say.

I'm exhausted. I give up. Everything. It's Yours.

It frightens me that I'm not more concerned about someone not knowing Jesus. Doesn't everyone know?

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