We receive email copies of the Ad Committee minutes each Monday evening. I just read today's copy...
Lonnie has been approved as an academic tutor.
Ashley has been approved as a girls' dean.
Lauren has been approved as an academic tutor.
Drew has been approved as a computer lab assistant.
I remember when I learned I was approved. Such joy. Such relief. Such a huge pile of questions.
It's hard to swallow the thought that I'm being replaced. Nothing else has made me feel more like a title, rather than an individual. I'm replaceable, like something worn out or well-used.
Life at Maxwell will go on without me next year. New students won't know who I am; returning students might remember for a little while. I'll simply be a fleeting memory. Now is when we'll learn if this year has been worth it. Have I reached goals? Have I made a change for the better? Will I be remembered as the girl who loved Jesus?
Have I worked hard? God knows, yes. Could I have done more? Perhaps. Could I have lived a more openly visible, deep relationship with Jesus? Definitely. Has what I've done been enough? What have I accomplished? Will students & faculty reflect on MAA 2010-2011 and remember the year they grew closer to their Best Friend? Have I simply maintained the status quo, or have I pushed myself and pushed the limits?
I don't know, and I don't like it.
My shoes will be filled. I won't be needed.
Perhaps that's really all that growth is; growing out of one pair of shoes and handing them down to someone else.
Now, will I be lonely and barefoot, or go find some more shoes to fill?