Saturday, August 21, 2010

Journal Entry

I was grumpy today. I pride myself on being bubbly and cheerful, but I was downright gloomy. Poor Herbert. lol. No small talk here! I really need my niche. I tend to define myself by the things I do and the people I'm with, and all of that is  new. I should be happy for the brand new clean slate. Instead, I keep grasping for ways to fil it up like it was before. A lot of my comfortable, "me" moments came from comfortable surroundings: staff-camper interactions, happy facade for campers, "real" me for friends... but I'm constantly on first impression grounds here. It's all new. It's all wonderful, but it's not comfrotable. I want to enjoy myself, but I can't seem to relax. There are short moments with the SMs that are glimpses of comfort, but... I was even avoiding people on our hike today. Terrible! Ugh. I keep thinking that things will improve when the students come, when we're in the swing of things, when we're busy. I worry it won't. Agh... I went through the same stage last year at AU. Until I find my spot, my role, I feel useless and restless and awkward. Like now. I'm not even sure what to pray for.

Lord, help me to be more like You.

No comments: