Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Journal Entry

I'm wilting.
I'm crumbling.
I'm falling.
I'm struggling.

...and no one seems to notice.

This afternoon; my time off. By the time we rounded up, got to town, finished shopping, and got back, it was 4p. I was needed/asked to record stats for the game at 5:30p. I tried to nap, but was interrupted by 1) a text with a request, 2) a text with a question, 3) a phone call with a request, 4) a phone call with a new responsibility.
I gave up on napping.
I stressed about my song service responsibility earned at 5p and due at 7. I thought I was scheduled to cover the library.
So much for a day off.

This sucks.

I want someone to be proud of me. I'm doing my best. I'm trying so hard. But all I hear is how hard his job is or how busy and stressed she is; am I at fault as well? Yes. Shame one me.
Fix me.
I got to the end of the day exhausted, but I feel I haven't accomplished anything. No piano practice, no idea what lab we'll do tomorrow, didn't finish grading.
I'm accustomed to receiving reward for my efforts; an A, a paycheck, a smile or chuckly... why must I be rewarded to feel as though I've succeeded?

Yes I'm tired.
Yes I'm homesick.
Yes I'm crying.
Yes I want to go home.
Yes I'm tired of pretending, tired of acting.
Yes I'm tired of being the "responsible" one.
Yes I want to stop.
Yes I want a friend.
Yes I want to quit.
NO I won't quit.

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